Ah, legs... Where would we be without them? Probably at home, I imagine, as getting around would be a pain in the arse.
That's why I love my legs. There has yet to be invented a better way of "walking" or "going for a stroll" than using these simple and charming appendages.
However, there are people out there who use their legs to frustrate the daily lives of many an innocent bystander. The technical term for these people is stupid pedestrians.
For your convenience, I've categorised stupid pedestrians into 6 types, with information on their habits and how you can avoid needless problems.
- THE SNAIL: This is the type who walks slowly. Not a problem in itself, but they usually do it in narrow streets where you have no room to overtake. They enjoy hearing you mutter insults from behind, and will even decrease their pace in order to increase your frustration. HOW TO AVOID: Often, the snail is quite old, and can be encouraged to speed up by saying things like, "I hear there's big discounts on rich tea biscuits at Tescos," or "I think the post office is closing soon."
- THE POSSUM: The possum is a difficult one to spot because he normally looks like any other pedestrian. That is until he decides to stop suddenly right in front of you without any warning. HOW TO AVOID: You can't avoid this pedestrian, I'm afraid, but what you can do is to carry a sharp pointed object--an umbrella will suffice--and when the possum freezes you can poke him in the nether regions. Remember to say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to stop. Maybe you should consider fitting brake lights..."
- THE LEMMING: This person for some strange reason thinks it's cool to walk out into oncoming traffic. HOW TO AVOID: If you are driving a car, there is no need to avoid this specimen, though do take some extra cleaning materials to get the blood stains off your vehicle.
- THE STAMPEDING ELEPHANT: This example walks in a straight line only and will not get out of anybody's way--from his viewpoint he is the most important thing in the universe and everything must rotate around him. HOW TO AVOID: Fortunately, this particular beast is easy to overcome, just pretend to get out of the way, but leave one foot out so he trips over. Do not worry if the pedestrian hurls abuse: it's his way of showing appreciation for your amazing kung-fu skills!
- THE PACK OF WOLVES: These animals are terrified of walking in single file and only move when there are enough of them to completely block the pavement to all oncoming pedestrians. HOW TO AVOID: Difficult but not impossible. It's advisable to have a clipboard to hand, as you can pretend to be doing a survey. In fact, this method will always guarantee you complete freedom to walk down the street with no hassle whatsoever.
- THE HEADLESS CHICKEN: When you try to overtake them, they wander unerringly into your path. HOW TO AVOID: You need to deactivate the radar system they have built into their heads. Just punch the pedestrian sharply in the back of the head. Problem solved!
I hope this article has proved useful to you. Remember, we all have legs, but only some of us have brains.