Thursday, 25 January 2007

Stupid Coruña (2)

A lot of people come up to me and say, "Hey Richie, you're the smartest person I know, what do you think of floors?"

So, I think it's about time I addressed this burning issue.

Floors! Don't you just love 'em? And so simple too! Just put some stuff down on the earth and presto! You have yourself a floor! Ceilings and roofs, boy they're difficult. But a floor--anyone can do it! Try it for yourself at home--no wait, you don't have to!

You'd think that now we're in the twenty-first century we'd have floors that are perfect, floors that are so good our grandparents would be walking around all the time going, "I can't believe how good this floor is! In my day the floors were terrible, they really sucked big-time, but this...this floor is positively orgasmic! My feet are in floor heaven!"

Sadly, here in La Coruña, floor technology has not progressed since Roman times. I mean, what is it with this addiction to marble? Everywhere I go they have highly-polished floors. Cafeterias, hairdressers, bookshops -- marble, marble, marble.

Maybe you're thinking, "What's the problem with marble floors, dude? If they were good enough for Caesar, surely they're good enough for you?"

Well, firstly, may I remind you that Caesar was assassinated...on a marble floor! And secondly, my problem is this -- RAIN!!!

Here in Galicia it rains all the time. While I write this, it's raining. When I go home it'll be raining. I'll wake up tomorrow and, guess what? Actually, the forecast for tomorrow is sun... But it'll rain anyway dammit! You think Noah had to put up with a lot of rain? 40 days and nights? That's nothing. Here in Galicia it's been raining for the last 40 YEARS. There's a whole generation of people here who don't know that the sky is actually blue.

My point, yes I do have one, is this: rain and marble floors do not make a pleasant combination.

When I go to my local bookshop to pick up a magazine (something informative and educational, like Playboy, for example) I don't just walk in -- I slide. In fact, slide isn't the word for it. I skitter. The bookshop assistants probably call me The Skitter Man. If they weren't so busy polishing that goddamned marble floor they might actually look up and notice that I get absolutely zero traction during my visit. I skitter along up to the counter, collect my magazine, and I skitter back out again. The only reason I don't fall over is because I'm familiar with the territory. Usually though I walk in somplace I'm not accustomed to and WHOA!!! Almost swallowed my shoe there.

Speaking of footwear, I think that La Coruña must be some sort of testing ground for shoe companies. I can imagine executives at Nike saying, "Well, if this new sole can grip in La Coruña, it'll grip anywhere." Whenever the shoe companies invent a better sole, the Galician shop assistants find some way of making the floors even slippery. I'll bet that NASA could learn a few things about frictionless materials from the locals here.

And on the subject of Nike, I saw the great Michael Jordan himself the other day opening a supermarket in the centre of the town. Poor guy. He may be all that on the basketball court, but on a wet marble floor... man, did he skitter.


Mary said...

Hey Richie!

Football shoes with cleats?

Stomp real hard and create some indentations for traction and drainage!

Just a thought.

Here, the main hazards are:

1) The tile floor in the bathroom--combined with a hungry shower curtain, a situation to give one pause.

2) The cracks between the wooden floorboards in this 80-year-old house. Who knows what micro-evil lurks in their depths?

Any survival tips in re either of these would be most appreciated.


Adrian said...

Always look for the positive:

I paid a lot of money for a slip-n-slide when I was a kid.


Richie said...

Thank you both!

Mary: Sounds like you have the beginning of a cool horror film!

Adrian: You're right, I should look for the positive. This is why you're the supreme commander of the world!

Say No to Crack said...

Hehe ... this was pretty funny. Nobody ever asks me about floors, guess I'm not smart enough ;)

BTW - congrats on getting a top 5 entry in our caption contest.

Anita ;)