Wednesday, 31 January 2007

How to Instantly Identify and Foil Stupid Pedestrians Before They Get in Your Path

Ah, legs... Where would we be without them? Probably at home, I imagine, as getting around would be a pain in the arse.

That's why I love my legs. There has yet to be invented a better way of "walking" or "going for a stroll" than using these simple and charming appendages.

However, there are people out there who use their legs to frustrate the daily lives of many an innocent bystander. The technical term for these people is stupid pedestrians.

For your convenience, I've categorised stupid pedestrians into 6 types, with information on their habits and how you can avoid needless problems.

  1. THE SNAIL: This is the type who walks slowly. Not a problem in itself, but they usually do it in narrow streets where you have no room to overtake. They enjoy hearing you mutter insults from behind, and will even decrease their pace in order to increase your frustration. HOW TO AVOID: Often, the snail is quite old, and can be encouraged to speed up by saying things like, "I hear there's big discounts on rich tea biscuits at Tescos," or "I think the post office is closing soon."
  2. THE POSSUM: The possum is a difficult one to spot because he normally looks like any other pedestrian. That is until he decides to stop suddenly right in front of you without any warning. HOW TO AVOID: You can't avoid this pedestrian, I'm afraid, but what you can do is to carry a sharp pointed object--an umbrella will suffice--and when the possum freezes you can poke him in the nether regions. Remember to say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to stop. Maybe you should consider fitting brake lights..."
  3. THE LEMMING: This person for some strange reason thinks it's cool to walk out into oncoming traffic. HOW TO AVOID: If you are driving a car, there is no need to avoid this specimen, though do take some extra cleaning materials to get the blood stains off your vehicle.
  4. THE STAMPEDING ELEPHANT: This example walks in a straight line only and will not get out of anybody's way--from his viewpoint he is the most important thing in the universe and everything must rotate around him. HOW TO AVOID: Fortunately, this particular beast is easy to overcome, just pretend to get out of the way, but leave one foot out so he trips over. Do not worry if the pedestrian hurls abuse: it's his way of showing appreciation for your amazing kung-fu skills!
  5. THE PACK OF WOLVES: These animals are terrified of walking in single file and only move when there are enough of them to completely block the pavement to all oncoming pedestrians. HOW TO AVOID: Difficult but not impossible. It's advisable to have a clipboard to hand, as you can pretend to be doing a survey. In fact, this method will always guarantee you complete freedom to walk down the street with no hassle whatsoever.
  6. THE HEADLESS CHICKEN: When you try to overtake them, they wander unerringly into your path. HOW TO AVOID: You need to deactivate the radar system they have built into their heads. Just punch the pedestrian sharply in the back of the head. Problem solved!

I hope this article has proved useful to you. Remember, we all have legs, but only some of us have brains.


Mary said...

And those 6 varieties when they come indoors into the supermarket aisles and the chain discount aisles?

What do I do then, Richie?


Anonymous said...

Graaaah! I hate those "pack of wolves" walkers. They're so frustrating. I call them human roadblocks. My friends and I have taken to just pushing through them and saying, "Stupid roadblocks". IT WORKS!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I have a complaint about your blog. It says keep the language clean... but I've seen some swearing...

Anonymous said...

Hey, I got brains :D

Richie said...

Mary: That's a whole other post--supermarket mauls...!!! Will get on the case and post some helpful supermarket tips soon.

Justin: I like your method of dealing with packs of wolves. Maybe you should be working at the Ministry of Conflict Resolution along with Conquer!

Swearing? Where? I'm against it on my blog but it depends on the context. See the recent comment by Conquer about Lindsay Lohan on Adrian's blog... That was funny and wouldn't be the same without swearing.

Brains: Of course you have them! That's why you are a valued employee of the Ministry of Intelligence!

adam buxton said...

This list is so true :)
I snowboard, you can so bend this list to the slopes as well.

Richie said...

Adam: You have a very cool blog. You seem to be light years ahead of me in terms of understanding all the gadgets that go with blogging.

One of the people who commented on this thread - Mary - has a problem with blog feeds, maybe you could pop over to her blog and give her some advice on how to receive blog feeds? I'm sure she would welcome the help.

Scruffyhippo said...

Pack of Wolves reminds me of where I used to work some years back, I remember doing a night shift and getting on to Waterloo station at 8:00pm in the morning and as I was going down the ramp swarms of people were coming up the ramp, yep you guessed it no gaps, I was carrying one of those metal brief cases at the time so held on to it tightly as they approached I got a few knees and heard a few ouches because they woundn't move and dented my case ... but was worth it :)

Anonymous said...

Great blog, Richie. Nice to meet a fellow moron-masher. I will put a link up at my site today!

Bob Johnson

Richie said...

Scruffyhippo: Ah, what fond memories of the London Tube I have... The Northern Line at rush-hour--have you ever seen a group of civilised people act with such utter disregard for human life? I like your metal case solution--if they don't move they get what they deserve!

Bob Johnson: Thanks for the kind words! Your blog is excellent and I recommend all my readers to have a look. I will reciprocate with a link on my site.

Smart People of the World Unite!!!!

Richie said...

Just realised in one of the previous comments it looks like I'm talking to someone called Brains... It was actually a response to Justin saying that he had a brain.

On a completely unrelated topic,when you type "stupid" in google you get my name!

Success! No, hold on a sec... Doh!

Anonymous said...

Richie- WOOT! I'll be in two ministries then!

Anonymous said...

Richie- The swear was on your "Stupid Caruna" post... well it's in the archives now! :D


Richie said...

Justin: Apologies for the swearing, in any case. I'll try to keep the language clean and smart where possible!

Hope you can handle the responsibility of two jobs!

Andy said...

Haha, great post. I'm not sure which i hate most!


Anonymous said...

For those possum walkers I chose poke them really hard in their pressure points on their back with a pencil! And when I get really angry, I use the pointed side! Bye bye possum!