Thursday, 2 August 2007

Where the hell is he?

Well, my apologies for leaving this so long but I've been rather busy. The weird and wonderful world of fatherhood is one that does take up time. Also, I've been involved in a number of different things:-

  1. Getting some copywriting work done, and building up a client list
  2. Finishing the first draft of a novel "Edison Blake's First Great Adventure--In Which the Lord of Oblivion is Loosed from his Eternal Banishment and Wreaks Havoc and Destruction Upon the World Entire, but Centred Mainly on London, and Specifically Primrose Hill, Camden Town, Hampstead and other surrounding areas, Until Such Time As Edison, with the Help of his Dream Mentors and Associates Finds Within Himself the Key to Saving Mankind from Living an Eternal Nightmare." It's a short, snappy title which should go down well with publishers...
  3. Now working on a stage play "The Knocknameen Belter"
  4. Also started a new musical project, "Sweet Home Productions" with a good friend Carlos Santos--he's doing all the production and arrangements so it's mainly his baby. You can listen at- www.myspace.com/sweethomeproductions
  5. Teaching English
So, I hope you all understand that my blog entries will be very intermittent for the near future....

Hope you're all having a great summer!

Richard

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Smart Kids -- Everyone Else is Wrong

Here's an interesting essay I found about the problems that smart children have in school.

The author, a self-proclaimed ex-teenage nerd, says that he had no problems in junior school, nor in adult life, but in secondary school his life became a misery.

This is close to my experience, and maybe to yours too.

Have a read and please leave a comment.


Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Smart Music

Okay, because you demanded it, here's a link to my band's webpage where you can preview and buy some of our songs:-



Visit Junkfood at Arkade


Let me know what you think...

No, honestly...

Okay, just tell me good stuff! (After all, no artist really wants to hear constructive criticism--only total flattery.)

Monday, 28 May 2007

Holy Cow!


You may think that if God had wanted us to drink skimmed milk, he would have made cows that produced it.

Well, he does and he did.

Moo!


Richie's thoughts: Pull the udder one--it's for the lactose intolerant.

Saturday, 19 May 2007

Stupid World Live

Continuing my mission to update you with the latest in stupidity, you'll find a new addition to my already-crowded left-hand bar: Stupid World Live.

This will feature well... stupid things that you shouldn't try to attempt at home.

Apart from clogging up your internet connection, I hope this is a welcome addition to my blog.

This "video bar" is something that you can have too--Blogger now offers you the chance to add one to your blog, and you can filter the content by adding keywords. Unsurprisingly, mine was "stupid accidents"--but I'll probably change that from time to time.

Have to go: smart things to do...

Monday, 14 May 2007

Smart Blogs

Without doubt, the burning question on every blogger's mind is, "How do I get a plug from Richie?"

Well, you should have a blog that is intelligent, witty, informative, entertaining and written in a style that would have Hemingway fuming with envy*.

Washed and Ready to Eat
is just such a blog! It's hosted by an old friend and colleague of mine, Phil Woodford, who works in the advertising industry as a copywriter. His observations on the pangs and quirks of modern life will have you smiling at the recognition of things you'd thought but never put into words... Enjoy!



* Failing that, just give me a plug and I'll do the same... ;)

Pot Cop Cops Bad Trip, Calls 911

A simple evening treat turns into a metaphysical nightmare...


Space Cookie Stops Time!

Thursday, 3 May 2007

Stupid Coruña (3)

I Steal, You Steal, He/She It Steals...


You may think that criminals are uncultured, stupid people. Normally, you'd be right. But here in Coruña the criminals are a cut above the usual...

Yesterday, two individuals broke into a book shop and, in addition to 300 euros in cash, they stole various copies of a language course on CD.

Now, I don't know what language they wanted to learn, presumably it was English. But doesn't it warm your heart to see that even members of the criminal underclass are keen to maintain their studies? After all, I'm sure most robbers could benefit from being able to speak a foreign language. It must be terribly frustrating for them trying to mug English or American tourists and not being able to get past the language barrier.:-


"¡Dame el dinero!"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand."

"¡Dame todo tu dinero ya! Y ese Rolex que tienes alli."

"Excuse me? Ah, you want to know the time? It's four O' clock--nearly tea-time."

"Joder, olvidalo hombre..."

You can read the story (in Spanish, courtesy of La Voz de Galicia) in the link below:-

Friday, 27 April 2007

Shiny Happy People

My mum was visiting me here in Spain recently and she commented that people here don't smile. I looked around and realised that she was right! Here in La Coruña people don't walk around with happy looks on their faces. In fact, they usually have pretty grim expressions... I think it's a combination of lack of employment prospects and bad weather.

What about you? Do people smile where you live? Why? Why not?

Maybe we could put together a map of happy/unhappy places...

Monday, 23 April 2007

Rational Fear

What are you most likely to die of in South Africa? What should you avoid doing in Japan? Are car drivers as dangerous as you imagine in Spain?

Find the answers below:-

Rational Fear

Definitely makes you think...

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Virginia

My thoughts go out to all those affected by the terrible events in Virginia.

I've just been watching a short TV report showing citizens of the area offering free hugs and the opportunity to talk, and ministers providing spiritual guidance in the street.

I'm always impressed at the optimism and decent nature of the American people as a whole.

Even in times of dark tragedy there are good souls providing light and hope.

Friday, 13 April 2007

Funny Peculiar

I've always been the sort of person who likes to make jokes and laugh at the absurdities of life. Recently, though I've found that this sort of attitude encourages people to think of me as somebody who is not "serious"--as though my opinions are of less importance than others.

To me, humour is the highest art of which Humanity is capable. It's a poor kind of person who can't make a joke. And I'm not referring to mindlessly repeating some gag you heard in a bar. I mean actually inventing something yourself.

What do you think? Are funny people smart? Or stupid? Does being funny make you less "serious"?

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Killed by Cheese!!!


A robber known as "El Christian" met an ignominious end when he tried to rob from a butcher's shop in Caracas, Venezuela.

A security guard, who was looking after cheese, ham and sausages, managed to grab a frozen cheese of 5 kilos, and batter the head of the assailant who was armed with a knife.

The robber's skull was fractured and he died as a result of the repeated blows from the cheese-wielding guard.

Full story (in Spanish)
here!

Richie's thoughts: A man's gouda do what a man's gouda do...

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Stupid Lawyers

stupid lawyer

Stupid? I'm sorry but you must have misread me; I would never cast such a slur upon the good sharks, sorry, people who make their humble living in courts throughout the land.

And I would be a fool and a scoundrel to even suggest that these
quotations from rinkworks.com are anything other than groundless fiction.

So if any lawyers are reading this, let me say that I for one believe you do a wonderful job, and you don't receive half the money you deserve.

Now, if I could just ask a favour--I have some outstanding parking fines...

Monday, 19 March 2007

Stupid Things We Say

stupid buying decisions

Even the smartest people say stupid things. Now why is that? I guess that circumstances take us by surprise, our minds are distracted, and we end up saying something which fails to communicate our original intention.


I can't help but cringe over some of the stupid things I've said in the past. One particularly painful memory is of the time I was in London and having a browse in Borders--a favourite shop selling books and CD's. Because it's difficult and expensive to get English books in Spain, I was loading up my basket with glee. In fact, I was so elated I even decided to buy the Greatest Hits of the Bee-Gees (one of my guilty pleasures). J-j-j-jive talking...


By chance I got into conversation with one of the shop assistants and he asked me what it was like to live in Spain. I told him it was wonderful and very different to England for numerous reasons, and then I said, "I don't usually talk to shop people."


Now, what I meant was that in Spain the shop assistants are not generally interested in a conversation which doesn't result in an immediate sale. Therefore I don't have the pleasure of engaging them in chit-chat. However, by the look on his face he obviously took it to mean that I was a stuck-up snob who had better things to do than chat with lower-class people. I wanted to explain myself but it was too late, the mistake had been made and before I'd even realised what had happened he'd excused himself to help another shopper.


So now whenever I'm in London I make a real effort to be nice to shop staff and show them that I'm not an elitist tosser. If anything I'm too nice and I will buy anything they try to sell just so they don't think badly of me.


Of course, I still fear that this particular shop guy has told all his friends about the arrogant so-and-so who thought he was above mere mortals, and that there is a whole cult devoted to seeking me out and terminating me with extreme prejudice...


I can only hope that if I am killed by a vengeful retailer, the police won't find a copy of some embarrasing CD in my shopping basket. It would provide the killer with justifiable cause--"Officer, he was going to buy a Bee Gees album! I thought it best to just put him out of his misery."


Tragedy!

Saturday, 17 March 2007

stupid criminals

Been a little busy with the new household member, as I'm sure you can all understand. But there is still time to shake my head in disbelief at the following stupid criminals.

http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/funny_news.html

How come in films criminals are always geniuses? In real life they are just so stupid, stupid, stupid...

Saturday, 17 February 2007

Little Sam !!!


He's safe and sound and his mum is very tired but very happy!

Love,

Richard

Saturday, 10 February 2007

Pardon My Absence...



Hello all,

I'm going to be less active in this blog for a while, and I probably won't be making any terrible jokes on people's blogs in the near future... The sprained ankle, plus the imminent arrival of my baby, complicates things a little for me.

Hope you all understand. I will try to post from time to time, but the next couple of weeks are going to be quite difficult.

Stay smart,

Thursday, 8 February 2007

Stupid Karma



Last night I sprained my ankle. No, I wasn't doing anything heroic, or even interesting. I was just crossing the road at a normal pace and CRACK!!! (in Spanish ¡¡PLAFF!!).

So, after spending last night with an ice pack on the injured part, today I hobbled over to the hospital. They kindly bandaged the thing up and sent me home on a pair of muletas (crutches).

I thought walking on crutches would be easy. Old people do it all the time, right? Man, was I wrong. For the first few minutes I must have looked like an angry Dr. Octopus as my arms flailed around in an attempt to find balance.

The thing was, after I got the hang of it (the secret is that you have to put both crutches forward in time with your injured foot, that way your weight is carried by the crutch) I was motoring down the pavement like a kid with a new toy. And then I remembered, "Hold on, Richie, you're supposed to be injured--if you make it look too easy people will think you're faking!"

So, I slowed down a little and grimaced to let people know that I was for real. I got some compassionate looks from other pedestrians, so I felt a lot better. Had a lot of problems climbing stairs though...

Anyway, I started thinking the whole incident over and I realised that it was only recently I had posted on the subject of stupid pedestrians, and of how much I valued my legs. Was it coincidence that I then injured myself?

I also remembered that I had posted on the subject of stupid car drivers, just before having a car accident...

So now I am very worried about the post I made concerning the man who mistook his cousin for his wife...

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Stupid Computer Owners


Computers have been with us now for a long time. But idiots have been with us for a lot longer, and it seems they are getting no better at adapting to the latest technology: Stupid Computer Owners

What I want to know is, did these morons exist back when they invented the wheel?

Stupid Customer: Okay, I made my wheel but it won't move.
Advisor: What shape is it?
Stupid Customer: Square. Does that make a difference?

Or fire?

Stupid Customer: I've got a fire going but it won't cook my dinner.
Advisor: What meat are you trying to cook?
Stupid Customer: Meat? I have to supply my own meat? I'm taking this back to the shop.

Tuesday, 6 February 2007

2000 Bloggers - update


Talk about bad timing. Seems like the 2000 bloggers project has been pulled because of an objection from Technorati. I seem to have an inverse Midas touch--everything I touch turns to mierda.

Monday, 5 February 2007

2000 Bloggers -- One Richie

2000 Bloggers



Tino Buntic (yes, that's his real name!) is compiling a list of 2000 blogs with links to images of the owners. I think there's still room for more of you to join--the only requirement is that you have a photo of yourself on your blog. It's good for creating links to your blog and maybe getting some extra traffic. Tino's Site.

You'll find me somewhere near the bottom...

Taking the Piss (2)



After the previous post on this subject , imaginatively titled Taking the Piss, I was surprised to read this article: Some Meth Addicts Turn to Urine to Get High

Surely there comes a point in a man's life when he thinks, "No, there are some things I will not do. I will not stoop to this."

Obviously not...

Sunday, 4 February 2007

Bill Hicks -- Smart People (2)


Bill Hicks died of pancreatic cancer in 1994 at the age of 32. His life was short, but his influence continues to grow with every passing year.

I first saw him in the UK on an hour-long special on Channel 4. Like all great comedy it had my mind reeling from the very start—can you say those things? He laid into morons like Vanilla Ice with such a vengeance that it literally left me speechless. Plus he did it with such comic delivery and timing that he instantly became my favourite comedian.

But he wasn't just a funny guy, he was somebody who made me think. And judging by the sales of his CDs and DVDs, he's still doing the same for a lot of people around the world.

Some quick quotes:-

You know what's bugging me these days? The pro-lifers… if you're so pro-life do me a favour-don't lock arms and block medical clinics. Lock arms and block cemetaries

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well … we looked at the receipts."

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!"



To find out more about Bill Hicks see Bill's Entry in Wikipedia


Thursday, 1 February 2007

Stupid World (1) Man Enters Wrong Hole, Digs Himself Deeper


Do you know your family? I mean do you really know your family?

In Malaga, Spain, a man was arrested for sodomising his male cousin--without consent, obviously. How did it happen? Well, according to
La Voz de Galicia (article in Spanish) it seems that there was a family get-together and el vino did flow. The victim went to a spare room to sleep things off. When he woke up his trousers were around his ankles and he had a stinging pain in his anus. The accused was on top of him...

Now, to me and you this seems like a clear cut case.

But to make matters worse, the perpetrator's excuse was that he'd got up during the night to go to the toilet, went into the wrong room when he came back and confused his cousin with his wife.

I don't know about you, but I think no matter how drunk I was, I would be able to tell the difference between my MALE cousin and my FEMALE wife.

Surely, the fact that the victim was wearing trousers would have been a bit of a giveaway. Or that his legs were hairy? Or that he had a penis?

Does this idiot think that all gay people are just suffering from a similar momentary confusion of orifice? "Oh, Peter! I'm so sorry, I had no idea you were a man! I thought you were my girlfriend!" Come on, amigo, admit it--you saw your cousin's tasty ass and you wanted some of that backdoor action.

Understandably, the victim had to be restrained from trying to kill his cousin with a kitchen knife. (No information is currently available about the wife's opinion of this sordid affair, nor indeed of whether she bears a close physcial resemblance to her husband's cousin.)

What is clear from this, though, is that family get-togethers can be a real pain in the... Er, sorry, I don't know whether to say "arse" or "vagina". *Scratches chin* Well, what do you know--they are easily confused!

Wednesday, 31 January 2007

How to Instantly Identify and Foil Stupid Pedestrians Before They Get in Your Path

Ah, legs... Where would we be without them? Probably at home, I imagine, as getting around would be a pain in the arse.

That's why I love my legs. There has yet to be invented a better way of "walking" or "going for a stroll" than using these simple and charming appendages.

However, there are people out there who use their legs to frustrate the daily lives of many an innocent bystander. The technical term for these people is stupid pedestrians.

For your convenience, I've categorised stupid pedestrians into 6 types, with information on their habits and how you can avoid needless problems.


  1. THE SNAIL: This is the type who walks slowly. Not a problem in itself, but they usually do it in narrow streets where you have no room to overtake. They enjoy hearing you mutter insults from behind, and will even decrease their pace in order to increase your frustration. HOW TO AVOID: Often, the snail is quite old, and can be encouraged to speed up by saying things like, "I hear there's big discounts on rich tea biscuits at Tescos," or "I think the post office is closing soon."
  2. THE POSSUM: The possum is a difficult one to spot because he normally looks like any other pedestrian. That is until he decides to stop suddenly right in front of you without any warning. HOW TO AVOID: You can't avoid this pedestrian, I'm afraid, but what you can do is to carry a sharp pointed object--an umbrella will suffice--and when the possum freezes you can poke him in the nether regions. Remember to say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to stop. Maybe you should consider fitting brake lights..."
  3. THE LEMMING: This person for some strange reason thinks it's cool to walk out into oncoming traffic. HOW TO AVOID: If you are driving a car, there is no need to avoid this specimen, though do take some extra cleaning materials to get the blood stains off your vehicle.
  4. THE STAMPEDING ELEPHANT: This example walks in a straight line only and will not get out of anybody's way--from his viewpoint he is the most important thing in the universe and everything must rotate around him. HOW TO AVOID: Fortunately, this particular beast is easy to overcome, just pretend to get out of the way, but leave one foot out so he trips over. Do not worry if the pedestrian hurls abuse: it's his way of showing appreciation for your amazing kung-fu skills!
  5. THE PACK OF WOLVES: These animals are terrified of walking in single file and only move when there are enough of them to completely block the pavement to all oncoming pedestrians. HOW TO AVOID: Difficult but not impossible. It's advisable to have a clipboard to hand, as you can pretend to be doing a survey. In fact, this method will always guarantee you complete freedom to walk down the street with no hassle whatsoever.
  6. THE HEADLESS CHICKEN: When you try to overtake them, they wander unerringly into your path. HOW TO AVOID: You need to deactivate the radar system they have built into their heads. Just punch the pedestrian sharply in the back of the head. Problem solved!

I hope this article has proved useful to you. Remember, we all have legs, but only some of us have brains.


Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Valentine's Day - Stupid or What?


So, February is around the corner and you can expect the internet to be filled with ads for Valentines gifts. But does anyone stop to think about what St. Valentine would make of it all?

The real St. Valentine, though not much is known about his life, was a third century martyr who died refusing to deny his belief in Jesus Christ. Is that a good reason to buy your loved one a box of chocolates? I don't think so. If the poor guy were alive today he'd be turning in his grave. No, hold on, I think I got the metaphor mixed up a little...

The point is this: by concentrating our notion of romance on one day of the year we trivialise it. Nowadays, if you don't buy your loved one something special, you're a terrible lover, even if the rest of the year you've been the perfect partner. Doesn't make sense to me.

But maybe I'm just unhappy because, like most men, I'm completely useless at buying presents..! Honestly, this is the guy who once bought his girlfriend a poncho for Valentines.

So, what this post is really about is this: HELP ME! I want to buy a special gift this year for you-know-who and I don't have a clue. Who better to ask than the smart people who read my blog? Over to you...

Monday, 29 January 2007

Addicted to Blogging? Seven Warning Signs...



A terrible new disease is attacking the finest minds of our generation. Find out if you are at risk. If you see any of the following tell-tale signs, you could be next to succumb...




1: You worry more about traffic to your blog than traffic to your job.

2: RSS Feeds are more important to you than food.

3: You visit more Blog Carnivals than parties.

4: You pepper your daily conversation with high-profile keywords in order to attract more listeners.

5: You spend more time checking your adsense account than your real one.

6: When friends fancy a chat, you submit them to a word recognition widget before accepting their comments.

7: When asked for your home address, you give the URL of your blog.

Saturday, 27 January 2007

Stupid Car Drivers Take to the Skies


Can you imagine the problems this hunk of junk is going to cause?

Stupid car drivers are going to have the chance for some
real action. Over our heads!!!

What happens when one of these flyboys forgets to fill up the tank? Or is too busy talking on his mobile phone to pay attention to where he's going? The possibilities for disaster are limitless.

And there are currently no traffic lights in our skies!!! No air police to make these people pull over!!! No radars to make sure they don't break the sound barrier!!!

And I have not seen one single ad campaign warning of the dangers of drinking and flying...

I don't know about you but I'm going to be wearing a helmet when I go out.

And by the way, who thought up the name of this thing? The Transition? That doesn't sound like a flying car, isn't it something that happens between paragraphs. Are they really going to attract testosterone-pumped morons with a name that could be the title of a Chekov play?

I seriously doubt Han Solo would have been so cool if he'd been flying a Transition instead of the Millennium Falcon. Still, it is the 21st Century. It's about time we had something futuristic in the skies, I just wish we could use the Force to protect ourselves when things go wrong...

Thursday, 25 January 2007

Stupid Coruña (2)


A lot of people come up to me and say, "Hey Richie, you're the smartest person I know, what do you think of floors?"

So, I think it's about time I addressed this burning issue.

Floors! Don't you just love 'em? And so simple too! Just put some stuff down on the earth and presto! You have yourself a floor! Ceilings and roofs, boy they're difficult. But a floor--anyone can do it! Try it for yourself at home--no wait, you don't have to!

You'd think that now we're in the twenty-first century we'd have floors that are perfect, floors that are so good our grandparents would be walking around all the time going, "I can't believe how good this floor is! In my day the floors were terrible, they really sucked big-time, but this...this floor is positively orgasmic! My feet are in floor heaven!"

Sadly, here in La Coruña, floor technology has not progressed since Roman times. I mean, what is it with this addiction to marble? Everywhere I go they have highly-polished floors. Cafeterias, hairdressers, bookshops -- marble, marble, marble.

Maybe you're thinking, "What's the problem with marble floors, dude? If they were good enough for Caesar, surely they're good enough for you?"

Well, firstly, may I remind you that Caesar was assassinated...on a marble floor! And secondly, my problem is this -- RAIN!!!

Here in Galicia it rains all the time. While I write this, it's raining. When I go home it'll be raining. I'll wake up tomorrow and, guess what? Actually, the forecast for tomorrow is sun... But it'll rain anyway dammit! You think Noah had to put up with a lot of rain? 40 days and nights? That's nothing. Here in Galicia it's been raining for the last 40 YEARS. There's a whole generation of people here who don't know that the sky is actually blue.

My point, yes I do have one, is this: rain and marble floors do not make a pleasant combination.

When I go to my local bookshop to pick up a magazine (something informative and educational, like Playboy, for example) I don't just walk in -- I slide. In fact, slide isn't the word for it. I skitter. The bookshop assistants probably call me The Skitter Man. If they weren't so busy polishing that goddamned marble floor they might actually look up and notice that I get absolutely zero traction during my visit. I skitter along up to the counter, collect my magazine, and I skitter back out again. The only reason I don't fall over is because I'm familiar with the territory. Usually though I walk in somplace I'm not accustomed to and WHOA!!! Almost swallowed my shoe there.

Speaking of footwear, I think that La Coruña must be some sort of testing ground for shoe companies. I can imagine executives at Nike saying, "Well, if this new sole can grip in La Coruña, it'll grip anywhere." Whenever the shoe companies invent a better sole, the Galician shop assistants find some way of making the floors even slippery. I'll bet that NASA could learn a few things about frictionless materials from the locals here.


And on the subject of Nike, I saw the great Michael Jordan himself the other day opening a supermarket in the centre of the town. Poor guy. He may be all that on the basketball court, but on a wet marble floor... man, did he skitter.

Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Smart Tips for Bloggers


This is going to be a fairly long post, but here's the short version: get feeds from your favourite blogs to your homepage. You'll thank me for it!

Right, now for the long explanation. I'm fairly new to blogging. I started on December 8th of last year. So far, I've had a great time and I'm really enjoying the experience. However, one thing I've noticed is that it takes a lot of time!

One of the real pleasures of blogging are the comments people leave on posts, and I like to join in the conversation on various blogs. Apologies to all of you who've had to put with up my so-called "humour". Anyway, it was a real pain having to type in blog addresses, or click on links from one blog to another. Remember, I'm not really that savvy about web things.

Then I discovered the beauty of bookmarks. Yes! Go to a page, bookmark it, click on your bookmark folder and all your favourite pages are available! What's more, I discovered that with Firefox I could drag the bookmarks onto my toolbar! I click on a button and I'm there on your blog's doorstep!

Even so, there wasn't enough room for all my bookmarked pages on the toolbar, my favourite pages were increasing exponentially, and I was spending a lot of time going to a blog only to find it hadn't been updated since my last visit. Time for a bit of research...

A lot of bloggers were talking about "Feeds". Huh? What's a feed? Are bloggers particularly hungry people? Then they kept mentioning things like "RSS". Doesn't that stand for Repitive Strain Syndrome? Not clicking on that, I thought, that's for sure! Others were boasting about "Atom". Well, we're all made of atoms so I didn't think there was much to boast about.

I soon discovered the truth.

I'll keep it simple. So simple even I can understand it. A feed is a way of sending a message to say that your blog has been updated.

Why is this such a good thing? Well, I have an account with Yahoo which I previously used just for email. They had something called My Yahoo, a page where you could have news and weather updates delivered to you. Big deal, I thought. If I want a weather update in real time, I'll just look out the window. But I found out that the My Yahoo page can be used to receive blog feeds. This means that instead of going all around the net to see if my favourite blogs have been updated, I just go to My Yahoo and I can see immediately which blogs have new posts. All on one page! No more wearing out my fingers!

So now, when I go to a blog I like, I see if they have a feed and I subscribe to it. How do you know what to look for? Well, just look for something that says "Atom" or "RSS" -- or a message saying "Subscribe to this blog". You'll notice on my page, for example, an orange icon in the left hand column. If you want to subscribe to my blog, click on that.

Problem: some of my favourite blogs don't have feeds! I think it may be that the old Blogger didn't offer feeds automatically. The new one does--the Atom thing at the bottom of this page. If your blog doesn't have a feed then you should think about getting one. I got my orange icon from www.feedburner.com and I prefer this to the Atom feed because it also allows me to get statistics about the number of subscribers I have. That number is currently 2 -- myself and some mysterious unknown person. Mysterious unknown person: I love you!

Good luck and smart blogging!

PS: RSS -- stands for Rich Site Summary. I think it should stand for Richie's Site Summary that way maybe I could get some money out of it but the stupid people at the patent office don't believe in being flexible...

PPS: I use My Yahoo as my feed reader, but I guess there are loads of different browsers and things you can use.

PPPS: And no, I'm not getting any money from Yahoo for saying nice things about them. I'm a man of principles, and if they so much as hinted about making a donation I would have to put my foot down and accept it.

Monday, 22 January 2007

Stupid English (1)



Given the popularity of the Gun Wounds Again post, I've decided to continue the theme of stupid English.

Now, we can expect people who don't speak English as a first language to make mistakes, but what's funny about these links is that some of the worst come from English speakers... They have no excuse! They're just plain stupid! So it's okay to laugh. In fact it's obligatory.

Anyway, I'll stop yabbering now and give you the links... This is kind of like those programmes that show funny video clips people have sent in. You know, the ones where the presenters never shut up and let you see the videos, they just ramble on with some boring monologue that nobody is interested in. "Get to the funny stuff!" you cry. "Get to the funny stuff!"

I'd hate to be one of those people, so without further ado here are the links to some fantastically warped uses of the English language. Oh, but before I give you them I'd just like to say thank you to Valeria at
Conversation Agent whose comment inspired me to scour the web for this stuff. Fortunately, my search didn't take long as these are all from one site! It's called innocentenglish.com and it's well worth the visit.

Okay, now I'll post the links.

No, really I will.

Say, that reminds me of the time... *raises hands in submission* okay, okay. Jeez, some people are impatient...

Stupid Warnings -- Warning: these can seriously damage your keyboard if you are drinking coffee. That means you Mary;)

Stupid Signs -- Where did these people go to shcool?

Stupid Classified Ads -- Think I'll answer that ad about time travel. No, wait, I already did that tomorrow...

Stupid Church Signs and Bulletins -- Finally, religion gets honest...

I could go on and on. There is enough stuff on this site to keep us entertained for days. Thank God for stupid people--they are an endless source of pleasure!

If you have any links to humourous content like the above, please send it to me and I'll post it here with a link to your page. Got to go now, have to put my sides back together...

P.S. Also at innocentenglish.com you'll find a hilarious restaurant menu. I didn't link because it's a bit rude, but for those of you who are over 18 it's well worth fishing around for...

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Gun Wounds Again?


It's been a heavy week here at Smart People, what with quantum physics, PIN-number cracking and sex with wild animals in West Virginia...

It's time for some kung-fu!

Oh, yes. These are actual English subtitles from Hong-Kong films. From them we can learn three important lessons:-

  1. Translation is a tricky business, with meaning easily being confused.
  2. Not everyone is happy to receive intestines as a gift...
  3. We should always remember to team up and inflict the pain of our karate feet on some bad ass lizard person!

Thursday, 18 January 2007

Stupid Laws


You're in Alaska armed with a fully loaded gun. You see a grizzly bear, you take aim and fire. No problem. You're perfectly within your legal rights to do so.

But if you came upon a sleeping bear and decided to wake him up for the purposes of taking a photo, oh boy are you in trouble. That is illegal.

I don't know why Alaskans are so worried about people taking photos of bears, instead of people shooting them. But I do know that Alaska is not the only place with strange notions of the law...

Let's take another situation. You are Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Halfway through a concert in Devon, Connecticut, you launch into your famous Moon-Walk. Oh-oh, busted! It is illegal to walk backwards after sunset! Now you're going to jail, unless you can prove it was actually the entire audience who were moving, not you.

So, Richie, I hear you say. Are there any other stupid laws I need to know about? Yes, it is imperative for your safety that you know the following:-


  • In Alabama, incestuous marriage is legal, but you cannot wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Tom Selleck be warned!

  • In Arizona, hunting camels is prohibited. I think they were being a little optimistic with this one. How many camels are there in Arizona? Or is that because the hunters killed them all?

  • In West Virginia, it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal, as long as it is below 40lbs. Maybe this is where we get the expression "a dog is a man's best friend"?

  • Also in West Virginia, it is illegal to whistle underwater. Why? And how do they know when you're doing it? I mean, is it even possible?

  • In Wisconsin, citizens may not enter the state with a chicken on their head. Presumably, then, nor can chickens if they have a citizen stuck in their rectum.

Well, I hope this helps to clarify some important legal issues for you all. If you'd like to know more then click here

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

I Know Your PIN Number!


Yesterday's post about Richard Feynman got me thinking about how many passwords and PIN numbers we need in everyday life.


I have a PIN for my bank account and my video club. Passwords? Now we start to go crazy. I have passwords for my: blogger account, hotmail email, yahoo email, myspace group page, group's email, Digg, Echo and the Bunnymen forum, local music scence forum--I have probably hundreds more that I can't even remember right now.


How easy would it be to crack these PINs and passwords?


Let me do a little experiment. Of the readers of this blog, I reckon not many are stupid enough to have their PIN as 1234. But I think some of you were born in 1980. So, I guess at least one of you has that as your PIN. Password? Ooh, let me take a wild stab in the dark--your first name plus 1980 or your first name plus 80.


Scary huh? Don't worry, I'll keep it safe...

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Richard Feynman -- Smart People (1)




Today it’s time for a change. Instead of focusing on stupidity, I’m starting a new, regular section--Smart People, which will focus on intelligent individuals who have added to the dignity and glory of humanity.

This first instalment features the scientist Richard Feynman. As well as contributing to the development of modern Quantum Theory, Feynman also found time for a host of other extracurricular activities...




Richard Feynman

How to Crack Safes with the Power of the Mind



"Pompous fools--guys who are fools and are covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus--THAT, I CANNOT STAND!…An ordinary fool isn’t a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible."


So said Richard Feynman, one of the most brilliant minds of the twentieth century. Throughout his life he had tried to add to Mankind’s store of knowledge, practical knowledge about this universe we live in. And time and time again he had come into conflict with pompous fools-people who knew little or nothing, but pretended to have the answer to everything.


Feynman was one of the originators of modern quantum theory, a theory which looks at the physics of the universe below the atomic level. It’s a place where things get a little weird, but Feynman brought the light of genius to a field which had been plagued by lack of clear understanding.


The Manhattan Project


Before that he worked on the Atomic Bomb project at Los Alamos, during which he developed a talent for safe-cracking, a practice which required more psychology than it did nimble fingers, despite what you may think from watching Hollywood movies.


To his great surprise Feynman learned that most Los Alamos staff kept their safe combination at the factory setting. Those who didn’t usually used their birthdays or those of their loved ones. Of those who were left, top-ranking scientists might use a relevant mathematical equation. For the absent minded, they often noted down the combination and left it lying around or tucked in a drawer.


When Feynman started leaving notes in people’s safes, alerting the Project authorities to the existence of a safe-cracker, the military decided that enough was enough.


Science Vs. the Military


One important General, a pompous fool indeed, demanded that his safe be the grandest in the building. He was, after all, much more important than any mere scientist and his secrets should be more efficiently guarded than anyone else’s. He ordered the most expensive, most technologically sophisticated safe in existence.


Feynman, by nature a mischievous little rascal, couldn’t resist the lure… He discovered that the General, interested more in impressing people than anything else, hadn’t even bothered to lock the safe which had cost so much money and which held such precious information about the atomic bomb!


Feynman had learned that pompous fools were, indeed, the worst kind of fools. But cracking safes was just one small entry in Feynman’s list of quirks…

  • To find out more, you can visit Richard Feynman's entry in Wikipedia here
  • This article was inspired by a post in Conquer's Blog


Sunday, 14 January 2007

Stupid Accidents (3)

Okay, so I let you all have a laugh at my expense with the previous post. Now it's your turn...

What's the most stupid accident that you've ever been involved in?

Be honest now--we all have at least one story to share. Please let your fellow bloggers know the truth about you!

Thursday, 11 January 2007

Stupid Accidents (2)


All this talk of accidents has got me thinking about something that still makes me cringe even today.

Let me take you back to the year 1993. I was going on a date with a beautiful girl. I think this was the second or third date we'd been on. Naturally, I wanted to make myself look as good as possible.

Cue hours spent in front of the mirror using hair gel to get my image just right. Damn, I was one handsome guy!

So, I meet the girl at the restaurant and we sit down to order. Everything seems perfect; the atmosphere is relaxed, my hair is glorious and the girl is laughing at my jokes.

The food arrives and I tuck into my hamburger with chips. Hey, do I know what to order to impress a girl or what? The waiter comes over to place a candle on our table and I tuck into my food.

Then it seems like someone has turned up the lights. I look around. The other diners are going about their business. No one seems to notice anything different.

"Have they turned the lights up?" I ask.

The girl looks at me, and her mouth opens in shock. Before I know what's happening, she's slapping at my hair shouting, "Your hair's on fire! Your hair's on fire!"

I reach up and discover that ouch! yes, my goddamn hair is on fire! My girlfriend pours a glass of water over me to douse the flame.

How was I to know that hair gel was flammable! Highly flammable! When I had bent down to eat, the candle must have been close enough to set my crowning glory on fire.

I flick the burnt embers from my head. A terrible smell of burnt, human hair pervades the atmosphere.

The funny thing is, I look around and the diners are still going about their business like nothing happened. What is this? Are they accustomed to people's hair spontaneously bursting into flames? Is that normal in this restaurant?

My girlfriend signals for the waiter to come over. "Don't tell him!" I grimace. I'm embarrassed enough without having the staff know what happened.

"Could I have some more ketchup?" my girlfriend asks the waiter.

Yes, she was one cool chick. And she still is. God knows why she puts up with me, the Human Torch, though...

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Stupid Accidents (1)


Did you know that in the year 2002, some 1,230 people were injured by leaves?

Could you believe that 431 poor buggers suffered poisoning while mowing the lawn? Or that a staggering 5,577,661 people were hurt while shopping?

And that was just in the U.K.

God knows how many innocent victims were mauled by dangerous leaves worldwide. And when I think of the size of the shops in the USA--it must be a complete massacre!

No, I'm not making any of these figures up. Go and see for yourselves. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has its work cut out trying to keep Britain safe.

Unfortunately, things aren't going too well as "...the number of injuries inflicted by vegetables remains unacceptably high, at 13,132".

Your grandmother was right; eat your greens. Before they eat you...

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

Carnival of Customer Service


One of my posts has been accepted at the Carnival of Customer Service! Please feel free to have a look here: CRM LOWDOWN

The blog is dedicated to Customer Relations Management and if you're interested in giving or getting good customer service, I can highly recommend it.


What is a Blog Carnival?


A blog carnival is when a blog invites other people to send in posts relating to the subject of the carnival. In the above case the theme was bad customer service, so I submitted one of my posts about stupid shop assistants.

The advantage of blog carnivals is that they can drive readers to your page who may not have found it any other way. There are blog carnivals on every subject under the sun so I'm sure you could find one related to your favourite blogging subject.

You'll find a list of blog carnivals here: Blog Carnival

Give it a try! What can you lose?

Monday, 8 January 2007

False Alarm

Sorry guys, I think the person who alerted me made a mistake with the comments process. Everything seems to be working normally. Relax, and breathe out!

Comments page problems

Somebody has just alerted me that they were asked to enter an email address of a friend to leave a comment. I don't know why this has happened.

I leave my comments sections open for everyone to leave a message. I don't even use word verification.

If you have had any problems or strange happenings while trying to leave a comment then please let me know on your blogs or send a message to blogger. I'm going to try and sort out what has happened. Sorry for any inconveniance.

Stupid Car Drivers (2)

Well, it had to happen. Somebody reversed into my car last night. Thankfully, my eight-month pregnant girlfriend was not with me at the time.

The driver got out, came over, looked at the damage her massive BMW all-terrain tank-cum-weapon of mass destruction had inflicted on my little Polo and said, "Que raro que tu capo hace eso!"

Translation: "How strange that your bonnet/hood does that!"

My bonnet was crumpled up like it had smelled something particularly nasty.

My reply: "No, it's normal that the bonnet does that when you crash into it! What is strange is that you would reverse without looking straight into my car."

More details later when I've calmed down... Fortunately, nobody was hurt or injured. Stupid people, GRRR!!!!

Saturday, 6 January 2007

Pardon my Appearance

I'm currently rethinking the design of this page. Please let me know your comments. For example, do you think I should change to a black on white format? Is there too much clutter on this page, or do you think it's okay to read?

Much obliged!

By the way, Jorge (one of my Spanish readers) hope you are feeling better!

Friday, 5 January 2007

Taking the Piss


People steal for one reason, you would think. To get money. Or to get something highly valuable which can be turned into money. What was This Guy thinking?

Forget all those criminal masterminds you see in the movies: the majority of lawbreakers are stupid.

Thursday, 4 January 2007

Stupid Web Addresses


Setting up a company is a lot of work--doing market research, getting loans, hiring staff etc. You would think, then, that people would invest in a website name that didn't make you go, "Oh My God! That is So Funny!"

Well, fortunately for us, some companies don't!

mistupid.com has a fantastic list of Stupid Web Addresses

I particularly like the website of the Italian Power Generator company. Somehow fits my image of macho Italians!

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

Technology--a Man's World?


Boy, was I raring to get to grips with my first MP3 player. Yep, a Christmas present from my girlfriend.

Read the instruction manual (of the player that is--not my girlfriend, though wouldn't life be easier if women came with instruction guides?). As usual, I couldn't make much sense of the information. Obviously it had been translated from Klingon by an online translation program.

Undeterred, I plugged the gadget into my PC and transferred some cool albums. Call me old-fashioned but I actually own the artists' CDs. I think I'm the last person on earth still buying the things.

Soon I was listening to the last Echo and the Bunnymen album. ("Siberia" -- highly recommended!)

Then the player decides to shut it itself off. What the-!

Okay, don't panic Richie. Check the instructions. Damn Klingon. Hmm. Seems that I might have to reload the driver for the gizmo. Done. Hey! It works!

Three minutes later... no it doesn't. Grrr!

"Why don't you check the battery?" says my girlfriend.

Ha! What an idiotic suggestion. I am a man! Technology is my abode. I eat silicon chips and I crap fibre optics. I used to own a ZX Spectrum for god's sake. Don't you think I'd know if the battery was a dud?

Four hours and many failed attempts later, I decide, on a whim, to change the battery. It works.

Perfectly.

So, my girlfriend is currently dancing around the flat listening to her favourite songs while I'm writing this from the doghouse. You know, I was a lot happier when I thought MP3s were some new and improved kind of politician.

Monday, 1 January 2007

2007 Lucky for Some


What's the most stupid conversation you've ever had?

Last night, as part of the New Year celebrations, a TV presenter commented that 2007 will be wonderful because 7 is a lucky number.

Someone asked me why 7 was considered a lucky number. I replied that the week was divided into 7 days, and consequently we feel there is something special about this particular number.

I won't go into the stupidity of superstition at this moment. I felt confident that my response was coherent if not necessarily correct. Morons, however, always manage to catch intelligent people by surprise. Someone jeered at me, "The week doesn't have seven days; it has 8."

"What?"

"Sunday to Sunday. Eight days."

Could you have managed a reply to such an insane idea? No, neither could I. And this was no joke, the person was serious.

Be careful in 2007, my friends. Be very careful...