Friday, 15 December 2006

Stupid Coruña (1)

Sure, it looks like a nice place: clean streets, a welcoming beach, an elegant promenade.

But don’t be fooled my smart friend. You only have to look in the paper* to see that La Coruna is really a city of medieval tortures waiting to ensnare the careless pedestrian…

A housewife decides to fry some calamares (squid). A treat for the husband who’s out at work. She fills the pan with oil, puts in the squid and goes to watch daytime television.

She was planning on making a tasty dinner, but what she’s really cooking is… a recipe for disaster! (Why don’t I work in newspapers?)

Time goes by. The programme is so interestante. Somebody famous for having slept with a famous someone else is denying that she has slept with a different famous person who in reality is sleeping with her ex-best friend. Who’d have thought it?

Something doesn’t smell right.

The frying pan! The calamares! The housewife rushes back into the kitchen. A wall of flame rises up to greet her. She doesn’t panic. She doesn’t scream. She doesn’t even stop to think. (Stupid people never stop to think.)

She grabs the handle of the frying pan, giving herself first degree burns. She runs across the kitchen and she throws the burning contents out the window.

Out the window, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Let’s just stop and rewind here for a moment.

The sun is out. It’s been raining a lot in Coruna lately, but the forecast has finally turned positive. You decide that what the heck, it would be nice to go for a walk. Outside, whistling a happy tune, you observe that yes, it’s a fine and glorious day, the sun is shining, kids are smiling and… what’s that? Ye Gods! A hail of burning squid from the sky! You run for cover and barely manage to escape being engulfed by flaming oil and, admittedly tasty, squid.

It was pure luck that none of the pedestrians who were in the street below this stupid housewife were injured.

Now, I know you don’t need to be reminded about what to do in the case of an oil fire. There’s absolutely no call for me to say that you should cover the offending pan with a damp cloth to smother the flame. Why would I need to tell you that? You’re a smart person. You listen to public service announcements. And you probably don’t watch much daytime television.

But what can you do to avoid being hurt by people like this stupid housewife? That’s the scary thing, my friend. There’s nothing you can do. Nothing at all.

And if I told you keep on eye open for housewives hurling liquid death from above, you’d probably fall prey to some idiot who’d left a banana skin on the pavement.

We are all at the mercy of stupid people… and burning squid from the sky.

*La Voz de Galicia, December 14th 2006