1. A super A.I. will take control of the world. It will then balance the economies of all nations, eliminate poverty and famine, cure everything from cancer to the common cold and bring peace to the globe. At the end of the year its plug will be pulled by disgruntled members of the military-industrial complex acting in the “best interests of Mankind”.
2. Paris Hilton will be shocked to learn she was actually named after a different hotel! Real name revealed to be “Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast.“ It’s no big deal,” Scunthorpe will say. “I just have a new name to live up to.” Readers please note that the Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast is open 24 hours a day and welcomes all-comers. In-room video entertainment free of charge.
3. The entire Jewish people will go out on a massive bender, become hideously drunk and, while driving back home, get arrested. In answer to law enforcement questions, the Jewish people will mutter obscenities about a worldwide “Mel Gibson” conspiracy being the cause of all our problems.
4. Massive Food Scare! Maybe chicken, no that’s already been done. Beef? Too last century. What about soya? Yeah, okay... Massive Food Scare--Soya Beans Cause Spontaneous Disembowelment!!! Miracle survivor will claim, “I didn’t believe it at first, but I knew something was wrong when I saw my lower intestine going down the toilet.”
5. Private space companies will begin to explore the asteroid belt, opening up new frontiers for mineral exploitation and fulfilling the dreams of the Star Wars generation. NASA, meanwhile, will invent a new type of tile for the space-shuttle that will 100% work. Sorry, 90%. Oops, 20%. Dammit! Stupid tiles...
6. Shakira will unleash her awesome new dance moves. 24 hours later, the hospitals of the western world are inundated with young people who have broken their spinal columns. The terrorists use this as their opportunity to attack! With no armies to provide support, Shakira takes on the enemy hordes single-handedly, no make that single-buttedly, and shakes her thang so fast that enemy troops are sucked into a cosmic worm-hole leading to the heart of the sun where they perish in flames. Nice one Shakira! Hey, I think I can do that move… Aargh! Stupid spinal columns...
7. The real Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast will become an overnight smash sensation. “It’s amazing,” hotel representative will say. “We’ve had offers of everything from record deals to an appearance in Playboy. Who’d have thought you could go so far just by having a famous name? This summer’s senior citizens party is going to be, like, radical dude.”