Thursday, 28 December 2006

Richie's Seven Stupid Predictions for 2007


1. A super A.I. will take control of the world. It will then balance the economies of all nations, eliminate poverty and famine, cure everything from cancer to the common cold and bring peace to the globe. At the end of the year its plug will be pulled by disgruntled members of the military-industrial complex acting in the “best interests of Mankind”.


2. Paris Hilton will be shocked to learn she was actually named after a different hotel! Real name revealed to be “Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast.“ It’s no big deal,” Scunthorpe will say. “I just have a new name to live up to.” Readers please note that the Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast is open 24 hours a day and welcomes all-comers. In-room video entertainment free of charge.


3. The entire Jewish people will go out on a massive bender, become hideously drunk and, while driving back home, get arrested. In answer to law enforcement questions, the Jewish people will mutter obscenities about a worldwide “Mel Gibson” conspiracy being the cause of all our problems.


4. Massive Food Scare! Maybe chicken, no that’s already been done. Beef? Too last century. What about soya? Yeah, okay... Massive Food Scare--Soya Beans Cause Spontaneous Disembowelment!!! Miracle survivor will claim, “I didn’t believe it at first, but I knew something was wrong when I saw my lower intestine going down the toilet.”


5. Private space companies will begin to explore the asteroid belt, opening up new frontiers for mineral exploitation and fulfilling the dreams of the Star Wars generation. NASA, meanwhile, will invent a new type of tile for the space-shuttle that will 100% work. Sorry, 90%. Oops, 20%. Dammit! Stupid tiles...


6. Shakira will unleash her awesome new dance moves. 24 hours later, the hospitals of the western world are inundated with young people who have broken their spinal columns. The terrorists use this as their opportunity to attack! With no armies to provide support, Shakira takes on the enemy hordes single-handedly, no make that single-buttedly, and shakes her thang so fast that enemy troops are sucked into a cosmic worm-hole leading to the heart of the sun where they perish in flames. Nice one Shakira! Hey, I think I can do that move… Aargh! Stupid spinal columns...


7. The real Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast will become an overnight smash sensation. “It’s amazing,” hotel representative will say. “We’ve had offers of everything from record deals to an appearance in Playboy. Who’d have thought you could go so far just by having a famous name? This summer’s senior citizens party is going to be, like, radical dude.”

5 comments:

Adrian said...

Paris Hilton will be shocked to learn she was actually named after a different hotel! Real name revealed to be “Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast.“ It’s no big deal,” Scunthorpe will say. “I just have a new name to live up to.” Readers please note that the Scunthorpe Majestic Bed and Breakfast is open 24 hours a day and welcomes all-comers. In-room video entertainment free of charge.

Thast brilliant- HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

CANT WAIT to see these predictions come true!

Richie said...

Thanks Adrian, the thing is these stupid celebrities are always capable of plumbing new depths of idiocy.

No doubt in 2007 some dumb celeb will do something so impossibly moronic that it defies all prediction.

Adrian said...

I think 2007 will be the year of the clone spawn.

Britneys sibling, Jamie Lynn Spears and Lindsay Lohans (uglier- and I never thought that possible) younger sister will emerge from semi-obscurity and bombard us with their bubblegum pop drivel.

AND I THOUGHT ASHLEIGH SIMPSON WAS BAD.

Michael-From-The-Future said...

*
Alright! Those are some pretty wild predictions Richie ... but I won't be surprised to find some of them coming true in the new year!

And when they do - I will say that my bud Richie said it first!

Michael-From-The-Future!
QUESTION of the DAY!

Richie said...

Thanks Michael, of course because you're from the future you already know if these things are going to happen...