Wednesday, 20 December 2006

10 Stupid Things about Christmas

  1. Santa Claus? Father Christmas? Do you have some kind of personality disorder? Choose a damn name man, and stick with it.
  2. Why is there no record of Santa Claus giving baby Jesus any presents? What’s the matter Santa? Jesus wasn’t a good boy that year?
  3. The Three Wise Men. What was so wise about them? Gold, okay a little tacky but at least it’s something you’d actually want. Frankincense? Perfume for Mary Shelly’s monster. Myrrh? That’s what I call my belly-button cheese. Yeah, you were the wise one all right. Didn’t break the bank for that particular gift did you?
  4. Atheists. So, you don’t believe in God… yet you do believe in telling your children about Father Christmas? Be consistent you dithering cowards. There is no creator of the universe but there is a kindly old man on a magic sleigh who will deliver presents across the whole globe? How can you sleep at night?
  5. Children. They don’t believe in Father Christmas anymore than you do. But they do believe that if they play along with you they’ll get a Nintendo Wii…
  6. Office parties. You hate the people you work with. And now you’re going to have a sit down dinner with these losers? No wonder everyone gets drunk.
  7. People who don’t believe in Christmas. No one believes in Christmas, but that doesn’t have to mean we go around bad mouthing it. You free-riding gits, will you be returning your presents? Didn’t think so. These are the same people who say it’s too commercial. That’s the idea, stupid. How else are you going to be generous? Oh sure, you can give the gift of love. Your children are going to just love you when they find no presents under that tree.
  8. The Queen. She does nothing all year round and gets a prime-time slot on Christmas day? That’s a cushy job. But clean up your own family problems before you start telling us what to do, Betsy. And if you really wanted to enter into the Christmas spirit you’d give that son of yours something he’s been waiting for for a long time: the throne. Ah, not so generous now are we? (Now I live in Spain I have to put up with King Juan Carlos, who is unfeasibly tall and ever so slightly drunk...)
  9. That person you never speak to all year who suddenly decides on Christmas Eve to give you a card. It’s too late to get them one back. Do they get a kick out of making you feel guilty?
  10. Christmas spirit. Why can’t we have that spirit all year round? People shouldn’t have to revert to being cruel, callous bastards on Boxing Day. Except for me, of course.


Anonymous said...

Your so pathetic..nice blog faggot

Anonymous said...

'You're' pathetic, not 'your'. Bloody 14 year olds these says